twentyfourteen

 

Dear Twenty-fourteen,

I don't know you yet. I don't know what you will bring into my life. I am a little suspicious, because that's who I am.

But I really am excited as well. Because anything could happen. Anything, really. Death, life, adventure, pain, laughter. Anything.

Dear Twenty-fourteen. I know a few things about you. I know you will bring change into my life. In my past, I have resented change. And I might just hate you because of the change you bring. But I'm working on that. And just because you're hated doesn't mean that's not who you're supposed to be.

I don't need easy. I only need possible.

And with my God, all things are possible.

Because of you, I want to grow on my own. I want to learn to live and think independently of those around me. This year I will be more alone then I have ever been. But I embrace you, Twenty-fourteen, because I think that may be a good thing.

Give me lots of laughter. Please. Remind me to slow down and really live. Bring good people into my life that I can benefit from. Make me cry. Change me and make me better. Surprise me. Teach me to love. Give me opportunities to show kindness.

Twenty-fourteen, you are huge. You are new. And exciting.

It's twenty-fourteen, and anything could happen.

xoxo

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be kind

 

Kindness. I wish there would be more kindness in this world. I have been thinking about it a lot recently. People are so cruel and selfish. All they ever do, they do for themselves.
I believe in kindness. I believe in love. I think if everybody would be kind to their neighbor and to their brother, and the Walmart cashier, and the waitress, it would spread like wildfire. Everybody wants to be loved. Nobody wants to be yelled at. But people do it all the time and make so many other lives miserable.
At the checkout, a lady didn't have money to pay all her items. As she was taking an item off her bill, a man, three people back in the line, grabs his wallet, and pulls out a bill. He insists on paying it for her. When she mildly protests, he insists. "No, take it. It's not from me. It's from the Lord. Please, take it!"
When he came up to check out, the cashier thanked him for doing it. "No, don't thank me. It was from the Lord! It's his money."
Boom. Here I am, watching her count her last bills, and a random man insists on helping her out in the Lord's name. It was amazing. He had no second thought; he only saw someone who was in need, and he helped her out, because that is what Jesus has asked of us.
And I think life would be so much better if everyone would be more kind.
So, I try to be kind. Maybe I can't change the world. But I'll still be kind to those around me.

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All About the Journey

All I know is that I don't want to live another year like I am living now. It's not that I hate my life. I actually enjoy it a lot, for the most part.

 

But I want to get out there and live my adventure. You only live once. This is my only chance. I only get one shot to live my life right. And I want to get out there and do something great, and live something crazy.

 

I want to get out and start my adventure. But at the same time, I am extremely scared. I'm scared I'm not going to be good enough. And I'm scared of what other people think. I'm scared to make the first move. I'm scared to leave my family and my church. I'm scared I'm going to fail. I'm scared of what may happen after I make the first move. I'm scared of who I will become.

 

And that last statement maybe scares me the most.

 

Because I like my life. I love who I am. I have come to embrace my flaws, and understand why I am who I am, and how I function. And I love that I know so much about who I am. But if I change so much, it will never be the same.

 

I have to ask myself, am I willing to take the risks?

 

Light of the World

 Sunday evening, my youth group went to Pittsburgh. To hang out. And also to evangelize to people we met. I didn't have an awesome time. It went ok. I had people laughing at me. I had people looking at me as if I were crazy and I had a crazy religion. As we were singing once, we had someone yelling at us, exalting the devil. As if he knew his god was being threatened, and he had to defend him.
When I really think about it though,
Jesus didn't ask me to go out and have fun. Or to go out, and everyone will love me. He didn't tell me to just talk to the receptive people. Or the needy-looking people.
He directed us to people He cares about. Maybe we encouraged that regular church-attendant who looked at us funny. Maybe we made that one couple stop and think about what life is all about.
He asked us to go out there and do hard things. It never was promised that people would listen or respond.
But He still asked me to plant the seed.
And I did what I could do. Yes, I probably could have done something more. But it was a learning experience.
And I still hope, and I still feel joy, that somehow, something will come of those seeds that were planted. Because maybe that person will be prepared for the next time he hears some more truth.
Today I talked to someone, and she said, "Where's the sunshine? (it was rainy and cold) You always bring sunshine whenever you come!"
Do I really bring sunshine into your life? I really hope I shine a light into your darkness. And the more I think about it, the more I like to think about the fact that maybe she was talking about more than just sunshine and happiness, but maybe a true light.
It's all about shining a light in the darkness. Even if you can't illuminate the room. Even if you can't see the end result. Be that light.

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God Kisses III

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listening to songs that remind me of the most fulfilling weekend of my life.

encouraging someone, and as a result, being encouraged.

beautiful fall colors.

working with my friends every day.

coming home after a long day, and knowing i have nothing to do that night.

knowing God has huge plans for my future, and looking forward to those plans.

hoodie, scarf, and pumpkin spice cappuccino weather.

time to journal and write out my thoughts.

laughing so hard with my friends that my eyes totally close, my abs ache, my throat is completely raw, and i can't breathe.

time alone to think.

knowing God has a plan in everything, and trusting Him, because He knows the big picture.

doing things to break up the monotony of a day, like splurging on peach rings, and being crazy when no one else is watching.

 

 

the Healer

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I heard about a Healer. They say He can do anything. He travels the country, teaching the people, and healing. I have only been waiting till He comes to my area.
I have had this terrible disease for the past 12 years. I bleed, all the time. I have to be so careful not to break open my skin, or I will bleed for a few hours. It has been extremely hard living like this. No doctor has been able to do anything for me. I have spent so much time and money trying to heal myself, but nothing has helped.
Yesterday, I was on my way home from outside of town. I had to get water, and they no longer allow me to draw water from the city well, because I am always unclean.
As I was crossing the main street, just down from the temple, I noticed this huge crowd of people in front of me. Curious, I followed them. Their attention appeared to all be focused on something close to the front, though I couldn't see what it was.
I tried pushing my way front. As I moved along, the word I heard most frequently was "Jesus." I immediately recognized the name as the Great Healer.
I got this crazy idea in my head that if I could only see the Healer, or maybe talk to Him, He could help me. Maybe even help me.
I pushed through the crowd, with a new determination. After a struggle, I saw the man who apparently was Jesus. He looked to be an ordinary man. Because I came from behind, I could not see his face.
I realized soon, however, that there was going to be no way to talk to Him.
But I know He can heal me, my heart screamed. He can do all things. Maybe it would be enough if I would just touch Him.
And without letting my mind talk me out of such a radical idea, I reached out and touched the hem of his coat. It was only a small movement, and I was convinced no one noticed.
Immediately though, I felt different. I felt renewed strength, like I hadn't in years. My body somehow felt healthy again. In that instant, I knew I was healed by the true Healer.
In my heart, I felt true joy and peace like never before. I wanted to laugh and smile, because life suddenly looked beautiful.
My joy was short-lived, however.
The Healer stopped, mid-step. He turned around, and said, gently, "Who touched me?"
I froze.
His friends looked at Him as if He were crazy and said, "What do you mean? A lot of people are touching you in this crowd."
But He replied, "No, someone touched me. I felt power leaving me." And as He said it, He looked directly at me.
I wanted to disappear. I knew I was caught. I came to Him then, and fell to my knees. I was crying, not sure how to feel. Then I felt his touch on my shoulder. It still felt the same, powerful and something else I wasn't sure of. He asked me why I did it, and he made me explain it to the crowd.
Then, He said the words I will never forget. He spoke the words as though He were my Father. I felt love, acceptance, and peace, all at one time. "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
And now, I believe. I believe in power, and love. And I think that somehow, this Healer, Jesus, is more than just a Healer and a Teacher.
inspired by my Bible reading from Luke 8

Where is Your Victory?

Death is such a finality. Death is the end. We cry, because we want to hold on to something we cannot. We don't like goodbyes. We hate endings.
Life is a beautiful thing. There are heartaches, and there are struggles, but there is hope, and there are opportunities. In life we have second chances. Life is all about loving and forgiving. It is about learning and feeling.
Death is opposite. It is no feeling, and no loving. In death, we have no opportunities. In every sense of the word, it is the complete opposite of life.
And yet, in a way, death is only another stage in life. Death opens a door that leads to so much more life.
In Christ, death is only another step in the journey of life. Death is a beginning of deeper love, fuller joy, and more feelings.
Three weeks ago, I witnessed a beautiful death. The dying process was far from being easy or fun. But the death was beautiful in that he wanted so badly to leave this cruel earth. He couldn't wait to meet his Creator. He was so content to die. And as much as my mind tells me it is impossible, my heart tells me that death can be a joyful time.

brokenness.

I told someone to have a nice day. With sorrow in her voice, she replied quietly, "it's hard being broken when you're alone."
Her words connected with my heart. They rang in my ears. I wanted to remember those words. They were said with such feeling. She felt the pain, and it still seemed so raw.
She used to be happy. She used to be a strong woman. But grief can do so much to a soul.
The words were haunting. I wanted to remember, because they were so real. I quickly wrote the phrase on my arm, as a reminder for the day.
I should have offered hope. Hope in Jesus Christ. Life can be hard. Life does seem broken. But Jesus is a healer of scars. He is a life-giver. And He created each of us to enjoy life and to share real life with those around us.

besties for life.

Someone asked me once why I am best friends with her. "You guys are so different. And you already have so many friends."
    because she needs me. and i need her.
Ever since we were kids, we've been friends. We stuck together constantly. I remember once, I was in the house, and she was outside. Her mom saw me -- alone -- and asked me where my sidekick was. Because it was always me and her together.
Why is she my bestie?
Because she understands. She can relate. We are pretty different, but we have so much the same. Our personalities are a lot the same. So we understand each other in a  lot of situations.
And when she can't relate, she still listens. And gives me advice when I need it, and cries with me when I cry. And screams with me. And dreams with me.
Friendship is about acceptinjg each other. We don't always agree. We are different. But we still accept each other for who God made us.
Two are better than one.
And I love it because I can be so crazy around her. I don't really care how stupid I act around her, because she's my best friend, and others' opinions don't matter.
Friends equally give and take. She gives me my space. I give her space. She accepts my faults. I'm ok with her differences.
And we help build each other up.
I love her for her shrieks of laughter. I love her perseverance. I love how she believe in who I am, and who I can become. I appreciate how she takes life seriously. I love being absolutely crazy with her.
I love her so much, and I love to spend time with her, because I need my BFF.

Who God Is

This morning in church, I heard a message I really needed to hear. The preacher got some of his ideas from A.W. Tozer's book Knowledge of the Holy. I just finished reading that book, so I could really relate to the sermon. He asked a bunch of questions and covered a bunch of thoughts that I had come across while reading the book.
He talked about two things -- God's self-sufficiency, and God's eternity.
God has no origin. God is the only being/thing that was not created and has no beginning.
He is also eternal. As far as He has been in the past, He will be in the future. He lives in the present, but He can see into the past or the future just as well.
Isaiah, in Isaiah 6, saw the being of God, and he became aware of a need in his life. A need for holiness and truth. Just like Isaiah, when we see God, we become aware of needs in our lives. Seeing God will always bring a response -- either good or bad.

"What we think of when we think about God is the most important thing about us." --Tozer

Not what we say when someone asks us. But what we really think about God. Whether we don't think, or we think about His love and mercy, or if we think in complete adoration. It defines us. 

this cruel world

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 This life is so full of hurt. Life is hard. People get hurt. Circumstances kill. Right now I know a few people who are dying of cancer. This morning, I attended a funeral of a victim of cancer. It was so sad. Funerals all are, I guess. Cancer is so ugly. I know, from experience. We don't know what to expect. We don't know when things are going to happen. We have no idea when another spasm of pain is going to come on. It's so hard, living like this. Knowing that at any moment, things could change.
And it's not only cancer. Some people are hurting from rejection, anger, hate, and so, so much more. This life is cruel. Society is ugly. We need to rise above. And believe in ourselves. And believe in the power we have because of our Creator.
And somehow, I am making it. Somehow, I know that God is still in control. I am learning to live in these circumstances. I am learning to dance in the rain.

laughter

There's this thing in my life called laughter. Laughter used to be a huge part of every single day of my life. In the last few months, that has changed a lot. I didn't realize how truly blessed I was, until I lost it. They say a day without laughter is wasted, and I always used to think that was just a trite cliché. In the past few weeks though, I have realized how true the saying is.
I love laughter. The kind when you throw your head to the stars, open your mouth, and gasp for breath. The kind that makes your throat stretch and your abs ache. The kind of laughter that is alternately screaming and silent.
And when you're done laughing, you repeat and think about the fact that you just added 3 years onto your already-long-life, because laughter is so good.
Laughter comes from the heart. It is an expression of emotion. It is real.
God blessed me so much because I have awesome friends to laugh with. It really makes life more bearable. Trust me. Here's to many more laughter filled moments.

perseverance.

Life is hard. My uncle is dying of cancer. Our house is full of people who come to visit him. Our fridge is chuck full of food and leftovers. We don't know exactly what all will happen in the next 6 months.

Sometimes, I just want to give up.
I want to stop smiling. Sometimes I want to quit acting like everything's ok, and I just want to be grumpy and moody like I feel. Sometimes I want to quit trying so hard to be joyful. I want to hole up in my room and not talk to anyone. Sometimes I want to do nothing all day. I want to quit thinking -- about the future or the present, or anything else. So much in me screams I want to give up.
But, I won't. I'm not. I am not giving up. I am not letting this world get me down. Because I know this is in my life for a purpose. Sometimes it's so hard. But just because life is hard does not give me any reason to give up on God. He has already won the battle for me. I only need to claim that victory and live in it.

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What if all we Spoke was Truth?

In today's world, so many Christian character traits -- even good moral traits -- are lost. One, out of many, is honesty. Honesty is the basis of so much in life. Out of honesty comes trust, relationship, and love.
Even closer than in the world, is in the church. How many times have you gossiped talked to her about him, because of something he did to you? How often does someone ask our opinion, and we say we don't care, when really, we did want to do it?
In a perfect world, I tell you your breath reeks, and you say thanks, and you chew two pieces of gum. I told you because it bothers me, and you accepted it, because you want the best for those around you.
If I told you the truth all the time (and I am called to do so), I would tell you that I appreciate when you dress up to go to town; I don't think you should talk to your mom like that because I don't think it's respectful; I wish you wouldn't wear those tight jeans because they draw my eyes where I don't want to look; I think you need to ask God to help you forgive, and forgive over and over again, because Jesus asked it of you; I will share my heart and be open to you, because that is openness, and I trust you; your dress is really tight, and for the guys' sake, I wish you wouldn't wear it.
Why can't I speak more truth? Why do I always try to morph the truth and twist it a little to make it less obvious or less harsh? Truth is truth. Truth does not need to be defended. We only need to let truth out and embrace the truth.

God Kisses II



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::being part of an awesome group of people who love God and make an effot to love eachother with a love that comes from God and we call it unity. i love my church.

::running

::the blue sky and the sunshine make so many things happier

::a job and money to spend

::awesome friends who are there for me and my family

::delia who makes me smile

::the trust i earned from my parents

::uniqueness and the fact that no one is exactly like me

::God always working things out according to his plan

::relaxing with my great family

 ::vacation and seeing my bestie for the next 10 days!!!

::customers who make me smile just by being themselves

::white water rafting

::trusting God for the future, because i don't know what it holds

abandon

There's this thing in life that every single person desires. Freedom.

Everyone finds freedom somehow. Whether that is swimming at a nude beach. Or dressing weird and being ok with that. Some people simply live by themselves and try not to be involved in the rest of the universe. The only true freedom is found in Christ. He gives us freedom from the bondage of our sin and from so much more.

When I think of freedom, I think of a girl, running through a field. Her hair is flying behind her and is caught in the wind. She is laughing, throwing her head to the sky. She is running free. The evening sun is sparkling in her eyes and her laughter warbles with the birds. She is alone, with her God. Nothing can mar this time with Him. She is feeling peace, and freedom, and nothing can rob her of it.

I love freedom. I want more freedom in my life. There is a deep pulling in my heart that screams for more and more freedom in my life. I feel like I need freedom to be myself in the midst of a society that tries to make me somebody else. I need freedom to be different, and to be ok with that. I need freedom to rest in Christ, and to realize that nothing else matters, except what He thinks.

this life.

i am a pebble. lying on the ocean floor.

i am suddenly tossed aside by a shattering wave. now i am falling. falling through the graves of the water. finally, finally, i am washed ashore. but then i am washed back. i cannot stay. the waves grope at me and pull me out again. again, and again, i am pushed, pulled, rolled around. i once again reach the shore and try as hard as i can to stay on the ground. i made it, and i relax. trying to live life here where i am. it is ok. i know life here. and i am comfortable.

all too soon, though, another huge wave comes crashing towards me. it pulls me down, and nothing i do can hold me back. once again, i have to relocate and change my life. my circumstances are such a huge part of what i'm feeling. one day, i find myself far up on the shore. there is no way the wave can reach me. i am really loving life and enjoying it where i am. suddenly, a hand reaches out and flings me back to sea.

why? why does life have to be such a series of changes? why can't i live where i like it?

and i have noticed that the waves are shaping me. i am not who i used to be. every time another wave pushes me, i let a little bit of myself in that place. slowly, i am changing, and there's nothing i can do, but change along with my life and circumstances. because all of life is a process of changing. and i am grateful i can change. but why does it have to be so hard?

i am a pebble. rolling in the waves. waiting to see where else i will be thrown.

God Kisses

::screaming with my bestie about our upcoming trip

::bright colors

::jamming out in my little car with the windows down

::sitting outside by myself with my journal and my Bible and sorting out my thoughts and connecting

with my Creator

::beautiful full moon

::prayer, and the fact that God hears me

::laughing with my friends

::good hair days

::God speaking to me, exactly when i needed to hear Him

These are only a few things that have made my week more bearable. I like to think of these things as "God Kisses." Things that God sent my way, just to make my day a little brighter.

vision

Recently, I've wondered what my purpose is. Why am I living? What brings me joy and fulfillment? Sure, the quick answer is to glorify God and serve Him with everything I do. Going deeper than that though, really, what am I living for?
In Proverbs 29:18, it says that where there is no vision, the peopel perish. I think it's talking about the vision for a group of people. But I also think it means in an individual's life. If I don't have vision in my life, my life will perish. It will be meaningless.
I need vision.
I am not a visionary person. I never have been. I have always taken life step by step and taken the future every day as it comes. I don't have great plans or dreams for my future.
But I think, in order to fulfill God's plan, I need to have vision. Vision for my future. For teh work of God in my life. For those younger than I, who are following my example.
Vision comes from God. I need to ask Him, and He has promised to give it to me. It sounds so simple, but it's not really. Asking God for vision is also saying, "I will follow that vision." That, in itself can be pretty scary, because of the fact that we have no idea where God may lead us.
I want vision in my life. I want to live for a purpose. But I have to ask myself, what am I willing to put down so that I can pursue the vision God places in my heart?

on the love of God.

This morning in church, God really hit me. Lately, I have been feeling like I need input in my life. Lots of it. Now that it’s summer vacation, I don’t get spiritual input in my life daily like I used to in school. And I really miss it. So I was looking forward to church, because I wanted to be filled, and I knew that God will fill me.

The sermon was about the love of God. We, as humans, deserve death and punishment. Why? Because we have chosen to live like this. We choose sin. We choose death. People ask how God can be a loving God and yet send people to Hell. But that should not be the question. We chose death and our punishment is Hell. But God, in his awesome love for us, gave us a gift. A gift of life. And it is our choice. We can choose to accept his gift and have eternal life. Or we can choose to ignore that gift, and suffer the consequences. It is up to us to choose our destination.

I bless God. For his awesome love for us. We don’t deserve it. We were born in sin, and that is how we would live, if it weren’t for the gift God has offered to us. This gives me hope. I want to live my life differently because of this. I want to live with this joy. I need you, Jesus.