Love is.

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 "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."c.s.lewis in The Four Loves

This quote. 

Let me say, I hate the vulnerable word. It hurts. It reaches deep inside me and squeezes my heart. And this quote says it exactly. 

Loving scares me. I am afraid of love. God loves me, and He has been working in my heart. When I was in Greece this summer, I felt His love in an almost tangible way. He answered the cry of my heart -- that of wanting to love the people I was with. I knew I couldn't possibly love them, in the short month I was there. But God opened my heart, and I had the best month of my life. 

Yes, I felt vulnerable. Yes, it hurt. It hurt to see the people I love suffering, it hurt to not be able to heal them, it hurt to leave. My heart was cracked open, and it hurt. But it was beautiful. God is more! God is love! He fills my heart, even as love is seeping out of my heart, and leaving my heart empty. 

I am learning that to love is beautiful. To break down your walls is freedom. To connect is the reason we are here. To listen, to share, to care. If it weren't for love, nothing would be worth it. Love is the reason. Love makes it worth.

Does that mean I'm not afraid any longer? I am afraid, because love is unpredictable. I don't know what to expect. Because loving people sometimes means doing radical, crazy things. Things you wouldn't do on a normal basis. I am afraid, because my heart tells me different things than my mind. My heart is alive, and feels free, but my mind is cautioning me, be careful. And I want to follow my heart, and feel love, and be fearless, but there is a battle going on between that, and my mind.

Love is worth the risk.

I am trying to believe.

The Tears of the Children

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He is sobbing. He hugs his knees and wails. "I miss my mom. I just want my mom." I hug him. He says, "She isn't coming back. She has to work and isn't home. I hate it. I Hate It."
I rub his back. I squeeze his finger. "She will come back. She loves you, because you're her son."
His sobbing quietly continues. I want to take him home, and never let him see hurt again. I want to protect his heart from the world. "We're almost home. It will be ok."
"But she's not at home! I just want my mom!" He sobs into his knees, realizing that home is no longer.
"I am sorry. It will be ok. She still loves you." I hold him, quietly crying with him.
Jesus says, "Bring him to me. I will carry him. I will heal him. I will wipe his tears away, giving him hope and love instead of sadness. I will show him what love is, and how to fill the hole in his heart."
Jesus, please protect his heart. Hold him in your hand, as you have promised.

Worth the People

I have been thinking about relationships. Are they really worth it?
They say the closer someone is to you, the easier it is to get hurt. And I know this. You don't have to have a broken relationship to find this out.
So why do we all do it? It hurts. Why do we make ourselves vulnerable to the pain in our hearts? Relationships are beautiful. Through them I have been encouraged, I have grown, I have learned. But sometimes I wonder.
Why do I pursue relationships that are fading? Why do I keep contact with a friend, knowing that in the end, it will come to nothing? Why do I keep calling someone to talk, when we both know that our relationship is going nowhere? Why do I even try to connect with a friend, when I know that it's more work than it's worth?
It hurts when you're so close to someone, you feel everything. The worst part is when they have no idea how they might be hurting you, and you don't have the heart to tell them.
Relationships are hard. They take work and time and effort, and that's not easy. So why do so many people spend their entire lives pursuing relationships?

My Creation

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They ask me what I do. I tell them I create. I create art. My favorite art is painting. I will let you judge how good I am. I love the paintings I create, but then again, I am the painter. Some are prettier than others. Some are dark and eerie. Some are a little flawed. But I think each one is beautiful. I create different masterpieces. Never have I made any one the same. I think they are more beautiful this way, and it makes them more special and valuable.
I love my paintings. Every single one of them, even though some seem more beautiful than others. To me, they are all of the same value, and they are all special. I don't care how ugly or how boring it looks to others, but I think it is valuable, because I made it.
I don't love my paintings because of anything they have done, how they look, how valuable they are to others, or what they are used for. I love them, because I created them. I designed them exactly like I wanted them. I made them perfect in my plan, so I love them. Nothing they could ever do would make me love them less.
My paintings are the favorite part of art for me. But I create other art as well. Like sculpting. I also sculpted the universe. But my paintings are the most special to me.

twentyfourteen

 

Dear Twenty-fourteen,

I don't know you yet. I don't know what you will bring into my life. I am a little suspicious, because that's who I am.

But I really am excited as well. Because anything could happen. Anything, really. Death, life, adventure, pain, laughter. Anything.

Dear Twenty-fourteen. I know a few things about you. I know you will bring change into my life. In my past, I have resented change. And I might just hate you because of the change you bring. But I'm working on that. And just because you're hated doesn't mean that's not who you're supposed to be.

I don't need easy. I only need possible.

And with my God, all things are possible.

Because of you, I want to grow on my own. I want to learn to live and think independently of those around me. This year I will be more alone then I have ever been. But I embrace you, Twenty-fourteen, because I think that may be a good thing.

Give me lots of laughter. Please. Remind me to slow down and really live. Bring good people into my life that I can benefit from. Make me cry. Change me and make me better. Surprise me. Teach me to love. Give me opportunities to show kindness.

Twenty-fourteen, you are huge. You are new. And exciting.

It's twenty-fourteen, and anything could happen.

xoxo

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Light of the World

 Sunday evening, my youth group went to Pittsburgh. To hang out. And also to evangelize to people we met. I didn't have an awesome time. It went ok. I had people laughing at me. I had people looking at me as if I were crazy and I had a crazy religion. As we were singing once, we had someone yelling at us, exalting the devil. As if he knew his god was being threatened, and he had to defend him.
When I really think about it though,
Jesus didn't ask me to go out and have fun. Or to go out, and everyone will love me. He didn't tell me to just talk to the receptive people. Or the needy-looking people.
He directed us to people He cares about. Maybe we encouraged that regular church-attendant who looked at us funny. Maybe we made that one couple stop and think about what life is all about.
He asked us to go out there and do hard things. It never was promised that people would listen or respond.
But He still asked me to plant the seed.
And I did what I could do. Yes, I probably could have done something more. But it was a learning experience.
And I still hope, and I still feel joy, that somehow, something will come of those seeds that were planted. Because maybe that person will be prepared for the next time he hears some more truth.
Today I talked to someone, and she said, "Where's the sunshine? (it was rainy and cold) You always bring sunshine whenever you come!"
Do I really bring sunshine into your life? I really hope I shine a light into your darkness. And the more I think about it, the more I like to think about the fact that maybe she was talking about more than just sunshine and happiness, but maybe a true light.
It's all about shining a light in the darkness. Even if you can't illuminate the room. Even if you can't see the end result. Be that light.

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the Healer

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I heard about a Healer. They say He can do anything. He travels the country, teaching the people, and healing. I have only been waiting till He comes to my area.
I have had this terrible disease for the past 12 years. I bleed, all the time. I have to be so careful not to break open my skin, or I will bleed for a few hours. It has been extremely hard living like this. No doctor has been able to do anything for me. I have spent so much time and money trying to heal myself, but nothing has helped.
Yesterday, I was on my way home from outside of town. I had to get water, and they no longer allow me to draw water from the city well, because I am always unclean.
As I was crossing the main street, just down from the temple, I noticed this huge crowd of people in front of me. Curious, I followed them. Their attention appeared to all be focused on something close to the front, though I couldn't see what it was.
I tried pushing my way front. As I moved along, the word I heard most frequently was "Jesus." I immediately recognized the name as the Great Healer.
I got this crazy idea in my head that if I could only see the Healer, or maybe talk to Him, He could help me. Maybe even help me.
I pushed through the crowd, with a new determination. After a struggle, I saw the man who apparently was Jesus. He looked to be an ordinary man. Because I came from behind, I could not see his face.
I realized soon, however, that there was going to be no way to talk to Him.
But I know He can heal me, my heart screamed. He can do all things. Maybe it would be enough if I would just touch Him.
And without letting my mind talk me out of such a radical idea, I reached out and touched the hem of his coat. It was only a small movement, and I was convinced no one noticed.
Immediately though, I felt different. I felt renewed strength, like I hadn't in years. My body somehow felt healthy again. In that instant, I knew I was healed by the true Healer.
In my heart, I felt true joy and peace like never before. I wanted to laugh and smile, because life suddenly looked beautiful.
My joy was short-lived, however.
The Healer stopped, mid-step. He turned around, and said, gently, "Who touched me?"
I froze.
His friends looked at Him as if He were crazy and said, "What do you mean? A lot of people are touching you in this crowd."
But He replied, "No, someone touched me. I felt power leaving me." And as He said it, He looked directly at me.
I wanted to disappear. I knew I was caught. I came to Him then, and fell to my knees. I was crying, not sure how to feel. Then I felt his touch on my shoulder. It still felt the same, powerful and something else I wasn't sure of. He asked me why I did it, and he made me explain it to the crowd.
Then, He said the words I will never forget. He spoke the words as though He were my Father. I felt love, acceptance, and peace, all at one time. "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
And now, I believe. I believe in power, and love. And I think that somehow, this Healer, Jesus, is more than just a Healer and a Teacher.
inspired by my Bible reading from Luke 8

brokenness.

I told someone to have a nice day. With sorrow in her voice, she replied quietly, "it's hard being broken when you're alone."
Her words connected with my heart. They rang in my ears. I wanted to remember those words. They were said with such feeling. She felt the pain, and it still seemed so raw.
She used to be happy. She used to be a strong woman. But grief can do so much to a soul.
The words were haunting. I wanted to remember, because they were so real. I quickly wrote the phrase on my arm, as a reminder for the day.
I should have offered hope. Hope in Jesus Christ. Life can be hard. Life does seem broken. But Jesus is a healer of scars. He is a life-giver. And He created each of us to enjoy life and to share real life with those around us.

on the love of God.

This morning in church, God really hit me. Lately, I have been feeling like I need input in my life. Lots of it. Now that it’s summer vacation, I don’t get spiritual input in my life daily like I used to in school. And I really miss it. So I was looking forward to church, because I wanted to be filled, and I knew that God will fill me.

The sermon was about the love of God. We, as humans, deserve death and punishment. Why? Because we have chosen to live like this. We choose sin. We choose death. People ask how God can be a loving God and yet send people to Hell. But that should not be the question. We chose death and our punishment is Hell. But God, in his awesome love for us, gave us a gift. A gift of life. And it is our choice. We can choose to accept his gift and have eternal life. Or we can choose to ignore that gift, and suffer the consequences. It is up to us to choose our destination.

I bless God. For his awesome love for us. We don’t deserve it. We were born in sin, and that is how we would live, if it weren’t for the gift God has offered to us. This gives me hope. I want to live my life differently because of this. I want to live with this joy. I need you, Jesus.