Love is.

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 "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."c.s.lewis in The Four Loves

This quote. 

Let me say, I hate the vulnerable word. It hurts. It reaches deep inside me and squeezes my heart. And this quote says it exactly. 

Loving scares me. I am afraid of love. God loves me, and He has been working in my heart. When I was in Greece this summer, I felt His love in an almost tangible way. He answered the cry of my heart -- that of wanting to love the people I was with. I knew I couldn't possibly love them, in the short month I was there. But God opened my heart, and I had the best month of my life. 

Yes, I felt vulnerable. Yes, it hurt. It hurt to see the people I love suffering, it hurt to not be able to heal them, it hurt to leave. My heart was cracked open, and it hurt. But it was beautiful. God is more! God is love! He fills my heart, even as love is seeping out of my heart, and leaving my heart empty. 

I am learning that to love is beautiful. To break down your walls is freedom. To connect is the reason we are here. To listen, to share, to care. If it weren't for love, nothing would be worth it. Love is the reason. Love makes it worth.

Does that mean I'm not afraid any longer? I am afraid, because love is unpredictable. I don't know what to expect. Because loving people sometimes means doing radical, crazy things. Things you wouldn't do on a normal basis. I am afraid, because my heart tells me different things than my mind. My heart is alive, and feels free, but my mind is cautioning me, be careful. And I want to follow my heart, and feel love, and be fearless, but there is a battle going on between that, and my mind.

Love is worth the risk.

I am trying to believe.

Savior of all People

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She shakes her head, and points to her son. "He likes to fight. It's not good. I try to tell him not to, but he is always fighting." Her young eyes look pained. Her husband died two years ago, and the only reason she has left to live is for her eleven year old son. And here in camp, he is always causing her grief.

The six year old is sobbing and shaking. Her mother has just beaten her, and she is scared and upset. We hold her, and try to comfort her. She doesn't want to go back to her house, but we need to take her. The mother takes her from our arms, laughing.

He comes running behind me, and kicks me in the shins. I turn around for a hug, but he withdraws, and grins mischievously. Everyone, including his mother, calls him Crazy, and it is easy to see why. When the other children high-five and hug as a greeting, he throws punches and kicks violently. But he has seen way more than a six year old should have to see. He has seen blood, war, bodies. He has experienced a traumatic boat ride, he has hid from whistling bullets, he lost his father, and he has lived in a camp with 2500 other people for four months.

Everywhere I look, I see pain. I see sad eyes. I see tears. I see chaos and imprisonment and binding powers. I feel oppression and depression and darkness.

But God is a God of miracles. He is the Healer of broken hearts. He can restore. He knows what pain is, and he brings peace. He provides a future -- He is the future. He is a Redeemer. I choose to believe in my God, because I know He is a miracle-worker.

the Healer

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I heard about a Healer. They say He can do anything. He travels the country, teaching the people, and healing. I have only been waiting till He comes to my area.
I have had this terrible disease for the past 12 years. I bleed, all the time. I have to be so careful not to break open my skin, or I will bleed for a few hours. It has been extremely hard living like this. No doctor has been able to do anything for me. I have spent so much time and money trying to heal myself, but nothing has helped.
Yesterday, I was on my way home from outside of town. I had to get water, and they no longer allow me to draw water from the city well, because I am always unclean.
As I was crossing the main street, just down from the temple, I noticed this huge crowd of people in front of me. Curious, I followed them. Their attention appeared to all be focused on something close to the front, though I couldn't see what it was.
I tried pushing my way front. As I moved along, the word I heard most frequently was "Jesus." I immediately recognized the name as the Great Healer.
I got this crazy idea in my head that if I could only see the Healer, or maybe talk to Him, He could help me. Maybe even help me.
I pushed through the crowd, with a new determination. After a struggle, I saw the man who apparently was Jesus. He looked to be an ordinary man. Because I came from behind, I could not see his face.
I realized soon, however, that there was going to be no way to talk to Him.
But I know He can heal me, my heart screamed. He can do all things. Maybe it would be enough if I would just touch Him.
And without letting my mind talk me out of such a radical idea, I reached out and touched the hem of his coat. It was only a small movement, and I was convinced no one noticed.
Immediately though, I felt different. I felt renewed strength, like I hadn't in years. My body somehow felt healthy again. In that instant, I knew I was healed by the true Healer.
In my heart, I felt true joy and peace like never before. I wanted to laugh and smile, because life suddenly looked beautiful.
My joy was short-lived, however.
The Healer stopped, mid-step. He turned around, and said, gently, "Who touched me?"
I froze.
His friends looked at Him as if He were crazy and said, "What do you mean? A lot of people are touching you in this crowd."
But He replied, "No, someone touched me. I felt power leaving me." And as He said it, He looked directly at me.
I wanted to disappear. I knew I was caught. I came to Him then, and fell to my knees. I was crying, not sure how to feel. Then I felt his touch on my shoulder. It still felt the same, powerful and something else I wasn't sure of. He asked me why I did it, and he made me explain it to the crowd.
Then, He said the words I will never forget. He spoke the words as though He were my Father. I felt love, acceptance, and peace, all at one time. "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
And now, I believe. I believe in power, and love. And I think that somehow, this Healer, Jesus, is more than just a Healer and a Teacher.
inspired by my Bible reading from Luke 8

abandon

There's this thing in life that every single person desires. Freedom.

Everyone finds freedom somehow. Whether that is swimming at a nude beach. Or dressing weird and being ok with that. Some people simply live by themselves and try not to be involved in the rest of the universe. The only true freedom is found in Christ. He gives us freedom from the bondage of our sin and from so much more.

When I think of freedom, I think of a girl, running through a field. Her hair is flying behind her and is caught in the wind. She is laughing, throwing her head to the sky. She is running free. The evening sun is sparkling in her eyes and her laughter warbles with the birds. She is alone, with her God. Nothing can mar this time with Him. She is feeling peace, and freedom, and nothing can rob her of it.

I love freedom. I want more freedom in my life. There is a deep pulling in my heart that screams for more and more freedom in my life. I feel like I need freedom to be myself in the midst of a society that tries to make me somebody else. I need freedom to be different, and to be ok with that. I need freedom to rest in Christ, and to realize that nothing else matters, except what He thinks.